乳がん患者の語り

So they took the lymph nodes out, and that, I mean - taking the actual tumour out - okay so you have a general anaesthetic, so it makes you feel awful but apart from that there wasn't really anything to that.

But in actual fact this taking the lymph nodes out is very, very - afterwards, it's extremely uncomfortable and quite painful. But I think I had painkillers once that's all.

Anyway, so he did that and I stayed in hospital three or four days then and came home. I went back again on the following Monday and he said: "It wasn't in your lymph nodes." He said he took 22 and he said the pathologist can't look at every one.

And then he explained that the lymph nodes, we all know this as well, is in a triangle. And he said if it's not in the bottom lymph nodes, it won't be in the top ones because they know it travels like that, and that's the way the lymph nodes are.

So, I was highly relieved. So, it wasn't in the vascular system, it wasn't in the lymph nodes. And of course when he told me that I burst into tears with relief.

To start with it was very slow and you had to wait a long time but you just accept that. But some days I was in and out very quickly. What I found I didn't want to do was get involved in conversations with the other patients. I did not want to hear anybody else's story because I was having a hard enough time coping with my own.

But some of the patients liked to treat the whole waiting room to their story, I found that difficult. And I used to go off and get a cup of coffee, thank God for the WRVS (waiting room vending services).

After about three weeks I started to get depressed, really depressed, and I said to the girls: "Does this make you depressed?" And they said: "Well it does some patients, would you like us to make an appointment with the counsellor?" So I said: "Yes." So again it was a Macmillan nurse who I saw.

I went on anti-depressants for a very short time in the summer, last summer, but felt worse and chucked them away. And I'm better off without them. [My GP] said to me: "Oh all cancer patients" - it was a bit of a sweeping statement - he said "all cancer patients get depressed". Perhaps they do.

I was depressed last summer, after about May, June. Because I had this thing - I remember sitting on the balcony of this hotel in [place], we went to [place] for a week - and crying and saying: "I don't know what to do with my life." I don't know why I thought I'd got to do something but I thought I had.

When you're newly diagnosed you can't cope with much, in fact you can't cope with anything much. And having to find out your own information as well, you know, it's really a lot.

That has to be kind of weighed up with the fact that, I know this sounds awkward and difficult, but it has to be weighed up but the fact you only want to know a certain amount.

But as the months went by I did want to find out much more. I shied away from reading any articles about it for a long time and then I started to read things. I went to the library, I'm a great library fan and have been ever since I was a child.

And I went to the library and I found one excellent book on breast cancer, in the library in [place] actually, I'm damned if I can remember what it was called, it wasn't a very big book. But it was very good and very helpful. I used to flick through, there's quite a lot in the libraries, but I flick through them and if they look particularly frightening I think: "No, no I can't read that."

You find out, without a doubt, you find out who your friends are. Well I found out who my friends were, definitely.

And became closer to some people because of it, particularly my friend who was here most of the time. She was the right personality, she did not panic, she did not encourage me to get morbid but on the other hand she didn't push me either.

And we did things, like we went out and she went through most of it with me, in fact all of it with me.

I went to a breast cancer support group in [place] and I went to one in [place] and I was very wary of going to these because I thought: "I don't want to sit around with a lot of women talking about everything."

The women were extremely nice at both of them. And I suppose it was comforting to look at other women who had had mastectomies perhaps, one 17 years ago. Really I mean they're nice women, and they have interesting speakers, and, you know, they're friendly. But how can they offer you support when we've all had it and we're all wary of each other - to a certain extent? And there's nobody that can say to you: "Fine, you're absolutely cured. "You're never going to have it again." And we all know that.So they're not really support groups.

They're friendly social groups where, as far as I can see, yes the Macmillan nurse will answer your questions and that's fine, but I didn't want to delve too much into these other women's histories because I didn't want to hear a lot of it. And others must feel the same as me I'm sure.